Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Once again - a new year 2007

Of course, since it is the middle of the second month of this year, it can hardly be called a new year. But I am still getting used to the year and it feels new enough to me. Sort of like how a dress worn only twice feels new to a kid who doesn't have too many clothes to begin with!

It feels weird reading my own blog and realising that almost a year has gone by with me writing a word ... 2006 actually proved far worse than 2005 ever was - my father who fought so bravely against his diagnosis 'only 6 months' finally lost to pancreatic cancer on April 10th. Luckily for me, I had gone home to be with him in time. Those 19 days were the most bittersweet days of my life, hoping against hope and praying when I don't even believe! As my father got worse, it seemed like Death was mocking us; for every step forward we took, it dragged us two steps backward. Cancer is such a terrible disease, eating you from the inside out, changing my father from a strong, vital, thinking person to a shadow, a shell of his former self. When Death came, his face seemed calm, handsome even (he had been so handsome before the big C) and so much more at peace. That death was a relief to my father underlines the suffering caused by the disease, my father who LOVED life and living.

The days & months following this were filled with undescribable sorrow, my sister's illness took a turn for worse. She had to undergo surgery. While the greater family, aunts and uncles and cousins, rallied around and helped out, outsiders have to go home after all. The essential family unit, unlike the story-book families, did not unite under grief. We vented our pain & frustuations at each other and thus caused ourselves more pain. Even after all this time, we are only slowing making our peace with each other.

I guess it is ironic that this blog is titled 'Surviving Life' since most of last year I felt that I was barely keeping my head above the water, that I was one misstep away from coming to the end .... so I guess, I survived. I have come to terms with all that has happened and have come to realise that I MUST work to be happy. From September 2004 to September 2006 I barely did any astrophysics research - most of the time I was a Teaching Assisant and did just enough to get by. But between May & Sept 2006, I did nothing at all, just vegated at home. That pushed me deeper into a spiral of depression, where I would remained had I not started working. Unlike most people my work is my passion and you must follow your passion.

So then, this is the year that I graduate. I will be writing more regularly and hope to have lots to say, after all, I am extremely opinionated! Please keep reading! :)


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